3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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