Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
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