I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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