I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
