dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
