Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
