Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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