Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize
