Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
