sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
