I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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