new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
