and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize