Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
