if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
