that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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