so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
