I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
