I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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