I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Randomize
