At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
