It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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