There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
