I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
