I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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