Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
