im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Randomize
