Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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