apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize