go do what you do best...puke behind churches
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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