Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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