I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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