Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
The uberlube is also flammable
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
