bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
