the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
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