I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
