I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
