I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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