his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
