i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
