You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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