omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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