All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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