just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
