I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
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All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
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He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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