weddingsv make me drug and hornr
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
