I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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