I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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