I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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