Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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