If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
