Umm I'm too high to move.
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
