i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Randomize
