There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
