We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
