On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
