Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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