when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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